Yes, it’s them again!

Lake D’Arbonne is under attack from above by my favorite waterway nuisance. Again. Extreme cold weather sent lake Orks further south weeks ago, but they are back. Don’t get me wrong, I like birds. But these aren’t birds. They are bad actors, apparently secretly gathering for a remake of an old Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Hello, Cormorants. The creatures that must be the reason that these keys — #@%*# — were first put on the typewriter (a pre-computer device). And they’ve brought back their cleanup patrol, white pelicans. They have also brought a couple of hundred seagulls back up here to the lake with them.  AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 

This may be good news for folks who like things like infected bunions, fever blisters, abscessed teeth, multiple wasp stings, forgetting to put the plug in your boat, having racoons eat white perch off your yo yo’s, dead batteries, etc. But I hate them.

Cormorants roosting on D’Arbonne

Not really. They don’t even bother me. Really. I hardly even noticed when an estimated a group of about 340 of them (which was the sum of my blood pressure as I watched — 200 over 140) were swimming just off the shore near my backyard recently. And those areas up Corney where nary a tree limb remains empty as the bad birds get ready to roost at night, that’s no big deal.

Here’s the lakedarbonnelife.com quick scientific evaluation of the situation. If there are 1,000 of them on the lake and they eat a pound of fish a day for 90 days, let’s see — that’s 90,000 pounds of little fish GONE. Scales and all. Gosh, that’s more fish than even George catches a year. Besides, think of the “nutrients” they are adding to the water. Okay, maybe it’s better NOT to think about that.

What can we do about them? Nothing.

They are federally protected because back in like 1908, some one eyed, intoxicated wildlife preservationist who couldn’t count past 20 figured they were “endangered”. I can just hear him filing his report:  “Sir, there are only 20 of them.”  And today, apparently there are more pressing problems for our federal government to work on. State wildlife and fisheries leaders are aware of the problem and are looking for solutions.

I have an idea. I suggest a conservation season on the birds with no limit. We can use it as a revenue source for the state by making an all-star reality TV show for A&E featuring characters from ALL the reality shows. This week’s feature: Duckman Willie Robertson tries out his new cormorant call while Swamp People’s Troy Landry mans the shotgun and Appalachian Outlaws ginseng whisperer Rufus Keeney smuggles the dead birds to the black market!  Next week: Man vs. Wild’s Bear Gryllis and Call of the Wildman’s Turtleman catch cormorants with their bare hands while Honey Boo Boo‘s mom prepares cormorant tacos for the Food Network’s Chopped Kitchen. Is that a winner or what?

Okay, now you think they really have driven me crazy. But they don’t really bother me. Really.

Meanwhile, we just have to ignore them the best we can, live with them like high taxes and long, slow checkout lines at Wally World and just go fishing ourselves!

Cormorants invite a few white pelican buddies along to clean up any scraps of fish they might miss.